Bean’n’bacon bung-in:

Bean’n’bacon bung-in:

Prep:           5 mins.

Cooking:      10 mins.

Course:        Snack/Lunch/Main

Serves:        4

Rating:         2: Easy

Find:

  • 2 cans of different beans
  • Can of chopped tomatoes
  • Pack of cheap bacon bits from the supermarket or town market
  • Onion
  • Oil
  • Seasonings
  • Frying pan

Method:

  • Cut up the bacon bits, discarding the fatty bits and rind. Throw into a frying pan over a medium heat.
  • Slice the onions rustically (great big bits) and throw that in as well.
  • Fry for about 10 minutes, to get the bacon crispy.
  • Rinse both cans of beans under the cold tap (especially if one of the bean types is red kidney…. rinse really well).
  • Pour off the fat into a cup (see Tricks’n’Tips for what to do with it afterwards) and put the beans in the frying pan. Add the can of chopped tomatoes.  Get to be all bubbling and nice.
  • Season to taste – you might want to put some sweet chilli sauce in it…… serve and eat.
  • Lovely with a few good pints and a few good mates.

Chilli con carne:

Chilli con carne:

PICTURE 25

Prep:           5 mins.

Cooking:      30 mins +.

Course:        Main

Serves:        4-6

Rating:         3:  Moderate

Find:

  • Small pack beef mince (400g)
  • Onion
  • Red capsicum pepper (or could be other colour)
  • 1 or 2 cloves crushed/chopped garlic
  • 1 can chopped tomatoes
  • 1 can red kidney beans (contents thoroughly rinsed with cold water through a colander to get rid of all of the red crap that you’ll find in the can…….)
  • Dried crushed chilli flakes (more convenient and easier to control the heat than fresh chillies)
  • Tomato puree
  • Red wine if you have it
  • Oil
  • Seasoning
  • A baked spud for each person, or a batch of rice, using Delia’s method.

Method:

  • Break up the mince with a fork as it drops into the pan and fry over a high heat to colour the meat. It will produce an amount of fat which should be poured off and dealt with as in Tricks’n’Tips.
  • Turn the heat down to medium.
  • Chop the onion, pepper and garlic finely and soften in the pan with the mince for 5 mins – don’t allow the garlic to burn or it will turn bitter (and possibly even twisted as well….).
  • Add a can of tomatoes (chopped, preferably, but using normal will only require a swift thrashing…) and the thoroughly rinsed red kidney beans.
  • Pour in a glass or so of red wine and add a good squeeze or dollop of tomato puree. I use a chilli mill, grinding dried chilli seeds; it really does the biz without the need to mess about with fresh chillies.

If you MUST use fresh chillies, go to the loo FIRST, as even when you have washed your hands, the chilli residue that soaks into your fingers could easily cause you to have ‘an amount of discomfort’ in certain parts of your anatomy if you should not take the utmost care – and that applies to either gender.  Also, don’t try to put in contact lenses after dealing with chillies.  Alternatively, you could just call in the bomb disposal experts to deal with the chillies whilst you sit & watch. 

  • Leave the salt until you taste it later. Put the pan onto the lowest heat, lodge a lid half-way on and just simmer for about 30 mins, stirring as necessary to avoid it sticking.
  • Accompany this with Delia’s white rice or a baked spud and a salad.

Egg on cheese on beans on toast:

Egg on cheese on beans on toast:

Prep:           5 mins.

Cooking:      10 mins.

Course:        Snack

Serves:

Rating:         1:  Very easy

Method:

  • Oh yes…… the Advanced version……. As Cheese on beans on toast, but put a fried egg (See Tricks’n’Tips on frying an egg) on top.

Yes, I know, very technical – remind me to call the Patents Office.

Beans on toast:

Beans on toast:

Prep:           5 mins.

Cooking:      10 mins.

Course:        Snack

Serves:

Rating:         1:  Very easy

Method:

  • As Beans on cheese on toast, and Cheese on beans on toast, but omit the cheese.
  • (I did say I’d start at the very beginning…..a very good place…..)

Beans on cheese on toast:

Beans on cheese on toast:

Prep:           5 mins.

Cooking:      10 mins.

Course:        Snack

Serves:

Rating:         1:  Very easy

Method:

  • Do just the same as Cheese on Beans on Toast, but this time put the heated beans on top of the cheese after you’ve gooified, it instead of under.
  • Simples, tch! (impression of a TV meercat….. bad impression of a TV meercat..)

Patient Bean & Corn Fritters:

Photo:  Chris Wiles Photgraphy

Patient Bean & Corn Fritters:

(Cos they’re mainly bean & corn, and you have to be patient when you’re frying ‘em.)

Prep:           5 mins.

Cooking:      15 mins.  Re-heat in the pan when you want them.

Course:        Side dish or snaffle-snack

Serves:        AMAR – see text      (Makes about 8 fritters)

Rating:         2:  Easy

I used a tin of white haricot beans.  You could use butter beans, red kidney beans… in fact just about any ruddy beans!

  • 1 Tin some sort of beans
  • A large red onion – in fact, make that two.
  • However many cloves of garlic you want. I’d suggest 2 big ones.
  • Tin of sweetcorn
  • Oil
  • Seasonings & flavourings – your choice. It’ll take a fair amount of salt and a great amount of coarsely milled black pepper before you decide that it’s enough.
  • 1 egg
  • Cornflour
  • Food processor (or a very great amount of time to do the choppin’)
  • Frying pan
  • Oil for frying
  • Mixing bowl

 

Method:

  • Peel and halve however many onions you are going to do. If you are including garlic, peel that too.
  • Put them into the food processor and give them a blast until just coarsely chopped.. Put them into the mixing bowl.
  • Put the beans into a colander and rinse thoroughly under the cold tap.

Tinned/canned red kidney beans really do need this very thorough rinsing stage otherwise they’ll be horrible.  Ugh.

  • Put the beans in the food processor and give them just a blast. You don’t need to make it a smooth paste.
  • Put that in the mixing bowl.
  • Crack an egg into the bowl.
  • Wash the sweetcorn in a colander under the tap.
  • That goes in the mixing bowl too, but miss out making the corn dizzy in the processor – the beans’ll be all cut up about that!
  • Mix it up and make it nice. (It’ll actually look like a bowl of vomit, but without the diced carrots.  Sorry for the graphic description, but that’s what you need to expect to see.)
  • Now chuck in about three tablespoons of cornflour. I said ABOUT.  You don’t need to count the grains.
  • Chuck in salt & coarse milled black pepper. A good amount.  Mix again.  Leave it to stand for a few mins.
  • Put the frying pan onto a medium heat and oil the pan. It will need more than a small amount.
  • When the oil is hot (but before it smokes the kitchen out), turn the heat down and spoon one tablespoon (not an itsy-bitsy spoon; a big tablespoon dollop!) of the sick-looking mixture into the pan at the edge. Put three more in, one at each corner – ok, I know your pan is round…… (I can see I’m gonna have trouble with you today….) but in any case, you need four blobs of mixture in the pan at the same time, not touching each other.  Understand now?
  • Be patient. Let the fritters build up a durable surface skin of cooked stuff, but don’t let them stick.   After about 5 mins, if they are able to be lifted without breaking, lift and turn them over in turn with a fish slice or something wide and flat – or if you’re posh, wide armed tongs.  If they’re not ready, be patient a bit more and then try again.
  • Give ‘em a few mins on that side.
  • CHOICE: You can either continue to let them cook through and pop ‘em on the plates an’ scoff ‘em, or you can take ‘em out before they’re completely cooked and store them until you want them.
  • All you’ll need to do is re-fry them for a couple of mins on each side and they’re ready.
  • Have them with…… anything!

Fried beans:

Fried beans:

Prep:           5 mins.

Cooking:      20 mins.

Course:        Snack/Lunch

Serves:        AMAR

Rating:         2:  Easy

Method:

As the other bean recipe, but use a deep frying pan and plenty of oil instead of the saucepan and can of tomatoes.  Add a couple of cloves of chopped garlic.

Again, it’s best when re-heated.

Three Bean Night-time Veggie Pot For Hungry Fellers of an Intoxicated and Possibly Rowdy Nature:

Three Bean Night-time Veggie Pot For Hungry Fellers of an Intoxicated and Possibly Rowdy Nature:

Prep:           5 mins.

Cooking:      10 mins, if that.  Re-heat in the pan or in the microwave.

Course:        Late-night-snack

Serves:        AMAR – see text

Rating:         1:  Pi**ed-as-a-fart-Easy (when not too pi**ed, that is……)

This is an ideal quick veggie feast that is ideal for a bunch o’hungry boys after a night out on the tiles.  It is nice to have this ready-made before you go out.

Don’t leave it cooking though; make sure that the cooker is off whilst you are out otherwise you’ll either return to a house full of smoke – or no house.

For 3, 4, 5 or 6 fellers, depending on the ravenousnousnous (a technical term for degree of extreme hunger suffered by bunches of fairly intoxicated blokes returning from the boozer, avoiding the kebab shop) of your friends:

  • 1 Tin red kidney beans (or mixed bean salad, or barlotti beans, or…)
  • 1 Tin chopped tomatoes
  • 1 Tin butter beans
  • 1 Tin baked beans
  • Got any left-over cheese?
  • Chilli flakes or chilli powder (don’t overdo it now……..)
  • Possibly a little paprika if you have it, for flavour not heat
  • Salt to taste
  • Saucepan – probably fairly large… go borrow a big one….
  • Colander

Method:

  • Put the red kidney beans into a colander and rinse thoroughly under the cold tap.

Tinned/canned red kidney beans really do need this very thorough rinsing stage otherwise they’ll be horrible.  Ugh.

  • Put them into the saucepan. Put the chopped tomatoes in there too.  Put the saucepan on the heat.
  • Add the baked beans.
  • Rinse the butter beans as you did with the red kidneys. Put them in.
  • Bring up to the boil.
  • Add chilli flakes or powder. I prefer the flakes as the effect can be tasted quite quickly.  Powder can sometimes fail to dissolve properly and can distribute unevenly, leaving super-hot pockets.
  • Pop any cheese in that you have left over from….. but try to take the green furry bits off first (not that any bugger’ll notice if you don’t).
  • Give the saucepan a good stir, leave for 5 minutes and then taste. If more is needed, repeat.
  • Add a little sprinkling of paprika for taste, too. Give a good mix and turn the heat out.
  • Leave for your return with the fellers, when you can heat it up again (it’s always better second time that it’s heated – possibly in the pot; possibly in the microwave).
  • Serve either on toast or just plopped in a dish – most probably with a tinny or two.
  • Leave the messed-up carpet until the morning, and then get a carpet cleaning machine in – and someone quiet to use it. Preferably someone quite attractive………

Cheese on Beans on Toast

5T1.[A] Cheese on beans on toast:

(The 5T1 refers to Section 5, Toast-based, first item)

(The A refers to this recipe being cheap’n’cheerful)

Prep:           5 mins.

Cooking:      10 mins.

Course:        Snack Lunch Anytime Midnight

Serves:        AMAR  (as many as required….)

Rating:         1:  Very easy – no; it’s easier than that; let’s rate it as ½ …. In other words you can do it in your sleep..

Find:

  • Hard cheese – no, that’s not a comment….(Cheddar, Leicester or similar)
  • Can of baked beans (that’s baked beans in a can, y’know? You’ll be able to tell, cos it’ll say Baked Beans on the label.)
  • Sliced bread (or bread, then slice it to make…. er…. slices)
  • Butter if required
  • Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce bottle – preferably with some Worcestershire Sauce actually still in it.
  • Grill (no, you CANNOT use a toaster when there are beans in the recipe….. don’t be a Dumbo, ……..)
  • Cheese grater

Method:

  • ‘Turn on’ the grill (that doesn’t mean you have to buy it a drink and tell it that it’s looking beautiful today…..).
  • Grate your cheese. Use a hard cheese like Leicester or Cheddar or something similar – not Edam as it doesn’t melt readily under the grill.

Note:  Supermarket ‘value mild, coloured’ cheese is generally tasteless and pretty ‘orrible.

  • Use a normal hand-held coarse cheese grater on top of a plate or something clean that will catch the grated cheese (or have it ready-grated in the fridge, courtesy of Ikea or Asda – see Tricks’n’Tips for an explanation of that statement; it’s good!).
  • Ok, now take your bread from its packet and put it onto the grill pan. That’s the bread; not the packet.

Now WAIT….  Whatever grill you have it will take a time to get going.  Think of yourself on a Monday morning – don’t YOU take a while to get going?                                                              (These days I take time to get going ANY morning.)

  • After the grill has been heating up for a few minutes, put the bread under the now hot grill (cos it’s been on for 5 mins) and keep an eye on it. It just needs to brown a bit

My ol’ Dad had a good saying……

“When it’s brown, it’s done…… 

When it’s black, it’s buggered.”  

It may not be quite politically correct to describe it as such, but as a piece of advice it’s very true.

  • The best method is to toast one side of the bread under the grill, take it out and spread butter on the untoasted side (you can omit the butter if you want to be a health freak) and put the warmed up baked beans (either in a pan or in a non-metallic bowl in the microwave) on the bread. Season with black pepper, but not salt – there’s already enough salt in the can of baked beans to pay a division of Roman Centurions for a year; and sugar too.
  • Load the coarsely grated cheese onto the same side, atop the beans, just squashing it all down a bit to stop it from falling off the edges.

Ensure that the crust edges are covered as well as possible as otherwise they will suffer from burn.

  • Ok, so now, reach for the Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce bottle. Just give the cheese a bit of a splash of the sauce.
  • Now do it again. Lea & Perrins makes crappy cheese taste really great – believe me (even the cheap supermarket ‘value, mild, coloured’ cheese variety is improved – but L&P’s is not a complete miracle worker).  Ok, put the loaded up slices (carefully now – you may need to slide a spatula underneath to support it better….. don’t drop it…….) back onto the grill pan and pop it back under the grill.  When the cheese has melted, so that it is all bubbly and gooified, it’s ready.

STOP!  Check again.  Don’t take it out too early; remember that you loaded the cheese onto the slices to cover the edges to avoid burn…….

You did…. didn’t you?

  • Ok, out from under the grill, onto a plate, cut into half slices (or quarters if you’re a wuss) and CONSUME WITH GUSTO (if you can find her).

See, my lovely peeps?  Good, eh?

Stick with me, kiddoes; I’ll look after yer.